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this one is for you, cara

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Jul. 30th, 2010 | 09:56 pm

I was committed to the St.Gordian County Emergency Psychiatric Ward. They roused me from my drug induced sleep and groggily I was walked to the elevator, out the lobby, and onto a short white bus. I was the only person on it besides a marshall and the bus driver. The bus smelled peculiar, like urine and sweat. The Marshall lazily held onto his shotgun, it resting between his crossed arm. The controlled madness of the bus driver’s hair loomed from over the top of his seat, a great black matted twisting mess. Spire of hair seemed to jut out in almost geologic fashions. The pain of my failure was all too real, my whole right arm was in a constant dull pain and completely bandaged. I had movement from my wrist down - which I used to scratch myself. The god in me had retreated slightly. I remember the bright gasps of disappointment. I had to get free, I knew that much. They can keep a man contained but they can’t keep him from killing himself. I had seen all those ingenious little things on the television. Shiv’s made of toothbrushes, nooses out of a blanket. Ropes and cigarette lighters, and tattoo guns all made of things scavenged together from the fringes of the tiny world of prison. I wasn’t really going to prison anyways. It was like a prison though, or at least what I thought prison was like. After the first two weeks of isolation when I only talked to a psychiatrist they let me out into the common room.

When I would sleep the dreams would come like waves of pleasure. Stark dangerous things that would come over me in the bare moments of my dreams. I could feel the golden light stir beneath my skin and I could see the visions of beauty - of creation. I could see the bare empty cosmos that exploded with light, the roar of reality of existence that expanded forth from me like a woman pregnant with possibility. I could sense the rules being set like path stones in the garden I never had. The way that my children would be created from little more than mud and earth. The spark of life that I would breathe into them. My faceless head, my eyeless lids. The bare feeling of matter beneath the hands that could bend existence - the existence that was my own body into its will. I would shape a universe within myself. I would shape reality with my own existence. The dreams were unrelenting. I would awake cold and naked under the thing woolen blanket. The white walls bare, my clothes stacked. I could feel this god pushing against my chest, my back, my eyes like a newborn. I wanted to let it out. I wanted to go free.

It would be six weeks until they let me out of that place. Six weeks before they admitted to me that they could no longer afford to house and feed and clothe me. So after one of a hundred hearings. I was driven to a home, and pushed out of a van onto a crowded urban street. A hundred leering eyes waited for me there. It was a five mile walk across the city back to my apartment. It had been possessed and my things had been given to charity. No notice had been given to my landlord. In the end I was left with nothing but my own wallet, a frozen line of credit, and my tennis shoes.

I had to escape my body. That night I slept below an underpass, tucked into the warm spot between the edge of the bridge and the the slope down to the street. I curled up among the garbage and filth. I had nothing but the god in me.

The god gave me dreams, it gave me wondrous dreams. I dreamt of the infinite worlds that pushed against the boundaries of reality - the infinite beings that occupied my reality. I dreamt of a billion billion stars being born. I dreamt of the beauty of each solar death. The white heat of a neutron as it flared like a beacon into the emptiness of reality. I dreamt of each of my six wings. Thin and spindly and golden that would push through my flesh like a razor through paper as I was reborn. I dreamt of the way that I would ascend into a reality that I would create. I dreamt of the light and the heat.

When I awoke I kept walking.

I avoided the heat, and smell of the highway - walking towards the sun. I was thirsty and tired, but it didn’t bother me. I needed absolution more than that. While my death would never be as dignified as I intended it would not be like an animal. I did not want to throw myself in front of a car or wait like a monk as my body withered. I needed my exit from this world. I needed to peel back my life and expose to myself the reality of my existence. The way my body was just a vessel; and so I walked.

The city gave way to the country. I slept in a ditch alongside a country road. My body was exhausted. The dreams were stronger than ever.

I witnessed the timeline of my reality - trillions of years of existence distilled into a moment. The way in which my body, this universe finally heaved. The ways in which it caved. The infinite light of reality expanding into nothing. I witnessed the heat-death of my universe. I witnessed my body decaying into something which I could not fathom. I felt my body fall into the threads of a reality that was neither kind nor forgiving. My body would decay as only a universe could. It would collapse as only a universe could. I awoke crying. I felt the sparse tears of my body cutting through the filth on my face. I heaved silently in the ditch beside the road. The gasps of my cries went unheard in the dawn. As the sun rose I walked into a grove of trees. It was an orchard. The trees were neatly aligned. The rows formed patter out of chaos with every occasional step - from nonsense into order, from order into chaos again. I walked slowly into this grove. It was here, I felt it, It was here that I would finally leave this place. It was here that I would end this existence to begin anew.


It's almost done. The first half is on my other blog at Tuktukfight.tumblr.com

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Comments {1}



from: fortydollars
date: Aug. 4th, 2010 12:31 pm (UTC)

I need more.

Also, for you to acknowledge our mutual friendship.

See, I'm just as demanding as ever.

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